Being torn to shreds by a very elderly woman for driving badly on the Isle of Man, maybe 15 years ago. She stopped in the middle of the road and really let me have it.

I was about six years old in a market square in Italy and my dad said, “Oh, those shorts would look perfect on you.” So he whipped my trousers off and I hadn’t got any knickers on.

Years ago, I was trying to get with one of the big agencies and I cobbled together a VHS tape of me in adverts and sobbing in The Bill, and took it United Agents for the attention of Dallas Smith. A week later I went back and said, “Has she looked at the tape?” And they were, like, “Dallas is a he, no he hasn’t and he doesn’t want to,” and handed it back to me.

In my 20s I was in a show called The Unauthorised Autobiography of Samantha Brown. The actor who played my dad messed up his lines and it made me laugh so hard that I ended up peeing my pants.

Now that I’m at this end of my career, I’m gobsmacked that I’ve managed to cling on for as long as I have.

Back in the day, when comedy was crueller, my monologues were full of terrible jokes about people, and you can’t apologise because then you’re asking people to forgive you. Your punishment is to walk around knowing you said these horrible things.

Impatience married with being very quick to judge.

I was stabbed in my 20s. It was a late-night mugging and, while taking my wallet, they stabbed me in my chest.

When I was growing up, my mother would accuse me of showing off. That’s the most shaming, humbling, horrible thing. What was I doing? Showing off!

I couldn’t care less.