I did a crap impersonation of JK Rowling a few years ago. Sorry, JK. Can this apology put me on a casting list for your next mega-franchise?

If I’m ever out of line, I’m very quick to apologise and try to make amends.

To Gorka Márquez, who was my Strictly partner, for not winning the glitterball in 2022.

I pulled a chair away from a girl who was just about to sit down on our second day of primary school. She farted when she hit the floor and everyone laughed.

My kids, and getting some of the stories I had in my head on to paper in a way that wasn’t too far removed from the thing I dreamed about writing.

The idiocy of going to Skye from New Zealand in April 2020. All of a sudden, I’m turning on the news and hearing myself as an item. I have never been more mortified.

I like the idea of being atoms that other people can breathe in, and fabulous worm food.

As someone who left the world slightly more interesting than he found it.

And when things get tough, this is what you should do. Make good art. I’m serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it’s all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn’t matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art.

Imaginative, dull, amiable.